I really don't know where to begin, so if this entry is a bit disjointed bear with me.

Friends and family ask/joke/hint about when we will have another child and I don't know how to respond.

The bottom line is 'Yes, in theory we would love to have another child' but I can't ignore the gut wrenching dread at the thought of another experience like the last one. Agreeing to another hospital birth is the same as planning to be attacked/violated on a pre-arranged day

A hospital birth is no longer an irrational fear, now I know what will happen.

Against my will, I will be prevented from moving, from making any decisions, people will touch me without permission, without explaining what is happening, my body will be ripped open, my child taken away from me, my questions ignored, my opinions laughed at. If I object, I will be told that if I do not co-operate I will be responsible for damaging my unborn child.

How can I put myself though that again deliberately

Even if, as I was told by a midwife last time 'What is your problem, your child was born healthy'

How is that the point? My daughter would have been healthy wherever and however she was born, I didn't need to be belittled and ignored in order for her to magically become healthy. It isn't an either or situation it is possible to have a reasonable labor AND a healthy baby.

I should add that the staff at the hospital did nothing wrong, they sent a lady out to my home to go though the medical records and show how medically aptly I was treated. But they dealt with my body not with ME. I wanted to avoid all the medical procedures that were forced upon me; this is why I never wanted to go to the hospital in the first place.

What happened when I was in labor last time is often on my mind. Without permission the horrible events just roll themselves out in my mind and upset me. I don't try and think about it, in fact I actively try not to think about it but it is not that simple.

My good friend sent me some links which she thought might help me, including this one.

I rang them a while ago and talked to someone, lets call her Lady A. We talked. I got upset. She wanted to visit me at home and talk more. I didn't think there was any point, as the more I talk about it, the more upset I get. Talking doesn't change anything.

After all everyone else copes just fine with labor. At the mother and baby groups I go to, the mothers compete to tell the most horror filled labor stories and how much worse their labor was than the other mothers. I listen with closed ears and a fixed smile on my face........Do any of them feel the same way I do or am I just a wimp ? I tell no stories. I hold my daughter tightly and concentrate on smiling.

Everything seemed to be going well, until recently when I had a terrible 10 day vomiting bug. NHS Direct suggested I do a pregnancy test, I cried at the thought of being pregnant again; I was so panicked about the thought of another labor.

The test was negative and I felt both relieved and a little sad...is our daughter destined to be an only child. DH was upset both at the negative result and how upset I was. I decided that I would have to do something to make myself feel better, after all birth control is not 100% and we had never originally intended for Babychair to be an only child.

I rang back Lady A and we arranged for her to visit me today at my home. Luckily Babychair was asleep for most of her visit, as she picks up when I'm upset. Lady A wanted to talk about last time, so I outlined what happened as quickly as I could. Lady A listened, asked a few questions. She said what I felt was normal and she knew other women who felt the same way.

She offered counseling details but I think this is a waste of money, going over and over the same things and my priority is preventing the same thing from happening again, if we decided to get pregnant again.

Lady A gave me some names/web address of places where I could get more information and she gave me some information herself as she is an independent midwife.

UPDATE
Over the next few days I rang and spoke to several people. including the midwife supervisor at the local hospital, two medical labs and the Strep B help line and between all the conversations here is the information gleaned (I am not recounting all the conversations as it will make this long blog entry, never ending)

Lady A and I have pieced together the following information. The main problem if I was to have another baby is the fact that last time I tested positive for Strep B on the unreliable NHS Test and was forced in to hospital because of that test. Due to being forced into hospital, the stress slowed down and stopped my contractions. Hence they induced me. That meant lying on a bed with tubes in both arms and a constant baby monitoring. Those facts made the pain unbearable and hence I ended up on one drug and then another ending up with an epidural. The epidural, inducement drugs and the lying down, ensured that I would have no chance of pushing the baby out on my own. Hence I ended up in theatre with me terrified as they were going to cut me for a C-section, but I kept telling them I could still feel everything and they insisted that I couldn't feel anything !!! I was so scared, finally they decided to cut me down below and try to drag her out of me with forceps instead and I teared badly and lost several pints of blood. My daughter was taken straight away and that is the last proper memory of the so called 'birth'. Flashes of pain are all I can remember until they transferred me from one room to a proper ward some time later (maybe a day or 24 hours or so ?)

(An aside one of the things which upsets me, is that there are pictures of me and Babychair and Deckchair in hospital and I don't remember anything and hence I hate looking at those pictures, as I have no memories to go with them)

NEW FACTS
1. The NHS Strep B test I was forced to take is known to be unreliable, though the lab claims that no mistakes are ever made (LMAO)
2. Strep B comes and goes and being positive for one pregnancy does not mean you would be for another.
3. Chance of baby getting Strep B if you were confirmed positive at time of labor is 1:7000 less than 0.01% a very very very low risk.
4. If the baby does get Strep B it can be very nasty and in worse case the baby could die.
5. Taking a gold standard private Strep B test would give me a certainty if I was carrying strep B or not and would be a safe result for 5 weeks of taking the test.
6. Sadly the gold standard test can only be taken at 37 weeks pregnant and the other decisions about a potential birth would already have to be in place by then.
7. NHS would still treat me as Strep B positive even with a negative gold standard test.
8. NHS would not allow me to give birth in a birthing centre or at home because of point 7 and the fact that things went badly last time.
9. The fact I went to hospital caused a lot of the things that went wrong last time.
10. If I went to hospital, I would not be allowed a water birth, even though if I was Strep B positive at the time, there are no risk factors but policy says no water births.
11. If I went to hospital, I would be on a permanent water drip, even though I would rather just drink water and again this has no higher risks, this is policy.
12. If I went to hospital, I would be forced to lie on a bed and not to move so they can do continual fetal monitoring. Not only is this not required, it has been proven to cause worse labors, another non-optional policy.
13. This is a funny one. I was reassured that I would have a different better experience than last time. LOL. Yes, because being forced into one hospital and lying down with a drip, will be so much better in than being forced into another hospital and lying down with a drip.

OPTIONS
1. Stop at one healthy wonderful child and get tubes tied
2. Adopt (can't afford it and would be exempt from funding as we have a healthy child)
OR
3. Get pregnant and either.....
a. Endure the same nightmare experience and dread the labor for nine months.
b. Try and get IV's at home or IM injections, so I can have a home water birth. This would be my ideal solution but I wouldn't get this on the NHS, so I would have to find around £2000 for a private midwife.
c. Take Gold standard test at 37 weeks and if it is negative, stay at home. Might end up with no midwife attending and what do I do if the test came back positive?
d. Go to hospital and refuse continual monitoring, drip and demand a water birth. But they will just say no go and being in labor is not the time you feel up to arguing. Or take an independent midwife in with you but that has the aforementioned £2000 price tag and they can just ignore her too or the pool might be filled already.

On the bright side I do know of two wonderful ladies who are planning TTC in 2007, best of luck to you both. May you have a better time in hospital than I did and I look forward to cuddling your future babies