Why do I get so upset about Babychair's birth ?

This afternoon I realised that I had less than 40 minutes to get to a Physiotherapy appointment at the local hospital and with a small baby wasn't going to happen. Life is a cycle of feeding, changing, cuddles and naps and if I don't leave the house at the right moment, I have to wait another hour or so until another good moment appears.

So I rang the Physiotherapy woman to cancel my appointment and apologise for the short notice etc. She gave me a verbal appointment instead and dug out my medical records etc and talked me though pelvic floor exercises and some other related things and things were going fine.

Then she mentioned something about my labour and I couldn't speak as I was overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness, failure and upset that I always feel when I have to think about that time. Even now just typing about it makes me cry, I just wish I could wipe it from my mind and replace it with better memories like the first few hours of my daughter's life.

Why is it that I am forced to remember the worse bits of labour and the so called best bit of giving birth i.e. the first few hours after labour when you and your husband bond with your baby and I remember nothing of that all I have is pictures which trigger nothing but upset.

I have talked to TigerFeet and my sister about things when I was in hospital but to be honest I think I was still in shock then. My sister has made it clear she is here for me but I can't talk rationally about it in real life. I have tried talking to Deckchair and though he is usually wonderful I just get more and more upset, he suggested that we don't talk about it, if it upsets me so much and I wish I had that option, I have tried my best to not think about it but it pops into my mind unasked for.

I don't understand why I get so upset, it is not like logically I can or could do anything about what happened, Although I think that is WHY I get so upset, I hate being out of control of having things done to me without my permission or request but they are the medical experts doing their job, we had no choice.

The last straw was Deckchair making light of what happened to a mutual friend saying we just ended up with a hospital birth and when I tried to point out that things were terrible and not to make light, he didn't understand. I agree the staff bended over backwards to be helpfull and friendly and yes, if I had lost all that blood at home we could of died. But what we went though was not a normal hospital birth...if I was allowed to move off the bed, used the toilet properly, sat on a birthing ball, had a shower/bath/birthing pool when I wanted...that would be a normal hospital birth.

I think a lot of the problems happened because I was terrified strapped down to a bed so I couldn't move and that virtually guaranteed the endless interventions we ended up with. I coped with the early contractions fine at home and if I had laboured at home I know I would of done better. Even at home lying down made the pain of natural contractions so much worse..the induced contractions started off worse, if I could just of moved around and/or been able to get up out of the bed whilst being induced, I wouldn't of felt so imprisioned and out of control.

The Physiotherapist asked me if I had been referred to the Birth Afterthought program, where the local hospital staff take you though your medical notes and let you ask any questions you want about what happened and why.
I told her my midwife had referred me but I hadn't heard anything yet. The nice Physiotherapist chased up my referral and it looks like my midwife hadn't referred me but I am on the list now.

Though to be honest I am wondering if there is any point, surely looking at this again is just going to get me more upset and it won't change a thing about what happened.

I suspect all the hospital will keep saying is that Babychair was born healthy (and taken away straight away) but while I am very grateful that she is healthy...that does not change how horrific the labour was and had I had a normal hospital or home birth, Babychair would of been just as healthy and I wouldn't cry everytime I think of her entry into the world.