The midwife found that Babychair had only lost 6oz in weight since birth, which is well within the acceptable 10% loss level for exclusively breastfed babies.

She also explained that I have an invitation for 'Birth Afterthoughts' next month, to go back to the hospital to go though my medical records with one of the staff.
She said it can help me deal with having experienced a traumatic birth and also to fill in the gaps in my memory.

I am going to take them up on the offer as it does scare me to see pictures that my husband, Deckchair took of me holding Babychair in a very dopey way in the High Dependant Ward and I have no memory at all of that time.

I also feel very helpless and tearful when I think of the labour and maybe this meeting will make me feel better about what happened, when I find out why some things happened the way they did.

I know I should just be grateful that Babychair was born healthy and I am healing from the third degree tear but I still am so upset that the birth was so far from anything I wanted out of labour, I feel like I failed.

I was deleting old programmes off my Tivo and I burst into tears when I saw the 'Home Birth' programmes on the list. I never even got to try for a home birth and I never will be able to try in the future as the hospital midwife informed me that any future births would be an automatic c-section and even the thought of a c-section scares me silly.